Given the sheer number of “Jesus Shaves” t-shirts and posters, the parodic parochial mashup between wetshaving and Son-O’-God rivals the Darwin Fish as the most widely-deployed display of Rebellion Lite since the barbed-wire bicep tattoo.

But I say to you, woe be unto him who gets his yuks at His expense. For it is written in Isaiah 7:20:

“In the same day shall the Lord shave with a razor that is hired, namely, by them beyond the river by the king of Assyria, the head, and the hair of the feet: and it shall also consume the beard.”

Further, ask a deaf man to sign “minister” or “priest”, and he’ll make a shaving motion across his throat utilizing Frink’s famed Third Diagonal, the experienced wetshaver’s final clean-up pass:

You might think the gesture is meant to evoke a collar, but you’d be wrong — if he was trying to do that, he’d use both hands, like he was the Fonz flipping up the collar on his leather jacket. Haven’t you ever played Charades?

Verily, the full and sacred text of Shaveblog has been called the “shaving enthusiasts online bible”, and with good and just reason. For it has inspired both beatific worship among the enlightened, and blasphemic revulsion among the paynim.

But now the tongue of the ignoble jackal lies dormant and thick in its throat. For Shaveblog has just become part of the actual religious canon, used as a parable to teach young Christians about the proper moral values that will ensure them entrance into the kingdom of Heaven. Yes, a church full of innocent young children sat in hushed silence a few weeks ago to receive the word of the Lord, and that word was Shaveblog.

And it was Good.

Dr. Daniel Harrell is the Associate Minister of Boston’s evangelical Park Street Church, a member of the Conservative Congregational Christian Conference. Dr. Harrell is a man of deep Christian faith who has journeyed to the Phillippines, France, Benin, Bolivia and Nepal to carry the message of Jesus Christ and to save men’s souls from hellfire without respite, much in the same way I recommend the best razors, brushes, shaving creams, and techniques to those who would otherwise suffer eternal damnation.

We are kindred spirits, Dr. Harrell and I. So it should come as no surprise that his sermon on March 5th led off with a discussion of Shaveblog that segued nicely into a reading of St. Paul in 2 Corinthians 5:10 which compares the Day of Judgement with — and I’m not making this up — a very close shave.

Listen, jackal and disciple alike, and go forth as a new man.