Shaveblog » Idiocracy Pt. 4,067

In Glenn We Thrust

It’s been the Summer of Dunce, and with a bang and a whimper, it’s finally over. I mean, I knew this country was 75% Deliverance Boy but ye gods, after this summer I feel like there are eight sensate Americans left and seven of them are sterile.

Speaking of idiocracy, I freely admit that making fun of the “advice” found on such unpaid intern written sites as Lifehacker, Digg, and Instructables is only slightly North of shooting fish in a barrel, but when these clueless naifs who don’t even bother to shave more than once a month in the first place claim any kind of expertise in the Manly Ablutive Arts, it’s time to load the Glock for carp.

Let’s see…shaky video cam, check. Simpsons’s Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel accent, check. Wiping a 5-blade dung-razor on your jeans to get more shitty shaves out of each cartridge? Check and checkmate, Jonas Salk.

As Fake Steve would say, Namaste, Jake T. Robinson. Your corn liquor wisdom is only exceeded by the tidal wave of drool in your comments section.

I just wanted a good shave...

So I did a segment on NBC's Today Show about the lost art of wetshaving, and how old-school razors, badger hair shaving brushes, and high-end English shaving creams not only deliver the greatest shave you can possibly imagine, but bring back the pleasant, gentlemanly ritual that's been missing since the bloodbath of 1971 when Idi Amin led a coup to become ruler of Uganda and Gillette introduced the first twin-blade razor.

Millions of people all over the world watched the segment, and I guess lots of guys were unhappy with their shaves too, because the viewer reaction was unlike anything I've experienced in the years I've been appearing on Today. As ridiculous as it sounds, the ensuing rush on razors, brushes, and creams created a worldwide shortage of shaving goods -- vendors reported doing a year's worth of business in a few days. Overnight, funky vintage razors caked with hobo whiskers and soap scum that used to go for a few bucks on eBay suddenly began climbing to well over $100. Up had become down, cats began dancing with dogs, and the handful of online devotees who'd been beating a lonely paradiddle for traditional wetshaving all these years, beseeching the masses to throw down their Mach3s and pressurized cans of goo, nonetheless began loudly grumbling that the "@%#$ yuppies" were now storming the gates. Ain't populism grand?

The Sacred Text

Idiocracy Pt. 4,067

I just wanted a good shave...

The Sacred Text

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